Happy New Year, folks. Now that the ~*holidaze*~ are past, I’ll be more diligent about posting here. Today, though, I want to talk to you about a little-known secret: good sex is simple.
Hey, I never said it was easy. Hear me out:
Good sex does not have to be great sex. Great sex leaves our bodies and minds fulfilled–fantasies are realized, parts fit together, the earth tremors, the gods smile. Good sex, on the other hand, doesn’t have to feel amazing. It just has to be fun for everybody involved.
I make this distinction because it’s impossible to have great sex every time you have sex. It’s especially hard to have great sex with a new partner, and (because bodies and minds are unpredictable) it can even be hard to have great sex with a long-term partner. Aspiring to great sex is fine and good, but expecting it–or needing it–sets us up to be disappointed in our bodies, our partner(s), and ourselves.
Realistically, it’s pretty hard to have good sex every time. But that’s why you’re here, right? The good news is that good sex is… yes, simple. Here a few tips:
1. Learn to laugh
No, I don’t mean that you should laugh every time you have sex (though some of the best sex I’ve ever had has involved laughter). Sex is fundamentally silly, though. Why on earth are we all so obsessed with squishing our bodies together and tugging at our genitals?!
The ability to find humor in consensual sex conveys an understanding of two things: first, that sex should be fun and, second, that it should be low-stakes. When you accidentally squirt lube in your partner’s eye or your penis keeps on slipping out of their anus/vagina/mouth/whatever (or vice versa), it’s not the end of the world. Laughing at these things says, “I understand that our value as human beings is not dependent on our ability to have a simultaneous orgasm (or any orgasm at all).”
2. Learn to give feedback
If something feels good, let your partner(s) know! If something doesn’t feel good… let your partner(s) know. This sounds easy, but in practice it’s much more difficult. We might be loathe to give feedback because we don’t want to hurt our partners’ feelings or because we’re afraid that our partner(s) will be squicked out by what we want. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t strong in the telepathic arts and this means that unless you say something, nothing will improve.
Look at it like this: you are the king, queen, knight, scholar, and wizard in the Kingdom of Your Body. You are Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, and Hermione Granger. You are the Jedi and the Sith. Only you know the geography, law, and magical whatever that can bring peace and balance to the land. When you give feedback, you’re not castigating a partner for getting it wrong; you’re letting them in on a really exciting secret.
What if you’ve maybe-sorta-kinda been with a partner for a really long time, though, and it would feel weird to suddenly introduce A Secret? Sometimes, feedback can feel like a slap in the face–as though your partner doesn’t trust you, has been holding out on you, and looks down upon your sexual skills. In my experience, the best way to avoid hurting your partner with feedback is to temper it with introspection and affirmation. Introduce your feedback with something like, “I know I haven’t said anything about this, but I was afraid that you would think I was weird. Now that I feel really comfortable with you, can we talk about ______?” or, “Before I met you, I wasn’t used to partners who care about my pleasure, so I didn’t know that I could give feedback. Sex with you is really fun, though, and there are things I think we could do to make it better, like _________.”
3. Learn to respond to feedback
If you can dish it out, you must be able to to take it.
Remember those emotional contortions you just did in order to help your partner feel good about the feedback you were giving? I wish everybody did that, but the fact is that some people aren’t great at talking about sex. The sad fact is that we’re all at different places in our understandings of sexuality. Your partner might say, “You suck at finding my clit,” or, “Have you ever given a hand job before?” or, “Um, you can’t just shove your dick in my ass without lube.” These are crude, not-so-sensitive ways of saying, “This isn’t as fun for me as it could be!”
How do you respond to harsh feedback? Well, give feedback on feedback.
Try this on for size: “I really appreciate you telling me this, but it doesn’t feel so good when you say it in that tone. Maybe next time you could be more gentle? *wink wink* Let’s go find that clit!”
Or: “Ouch. The way you said that kind of hurt. I really want to learn how to make you feel good, but everybody’s body is different, so I’ma need some help here. Give me a kiss to make up for it and then maybe we can have a hand job lesson!”
Or: “Wait, I’m sorry! I didn’t know that anal sex required lube. Maybe I’ve got some learning to do. Will you teach me?”
Because remember: just because you know your body doesn’t mean you know theirs. And that’s oh-kay.
Well, that’s it for now. Please, say hello! Send me messages! Ask me questions!